This darkness in me that lingers on my left shoulder digs deep into my soul, deep within my heart buried. The sadness I once felt, was once freed, but I cling to it in hopes to enjoying a solo life. You can’t stop the heart from beating all you can stop is the pain from flowing. The body remembers though. The body will never allow you to forget this existence here on earth. You came here to feel so feel.
He screams at me to let him go. He was the last pieces of sanity I had. I stopped letting myself feel after him. Terrified to love. He broke me completely, the pieces that I’ve had to rebuild will never be the same. But the same is far from what I want to be. The world was a brighter place with him, and has only ever been dark since the end. How long must one grieve, before the satisfaction of ones love has given with time alone.
I let him take my voice, I let him take the one part of me that gave me joy. Which was to write my heart out. I thought he was my muse. How foolish when the world has so many wonders in it that to leave your creative energy to one single human who has, and will never hold importance over my own divine being.
And yet, I let it happen.
How upsetting that I could ever allow my burning desires to create in the world lie in one soul who could easily toss my beauty, my rage, my intelligence, my value to the wind as if only sand. How dare he. How fucking dare he. My worth, my fucking confidence has been shattering year after year waiting for him to return to put me back like a puzzle. How idiotic I’ve been waiting, holding out for. A fucking boy. Truly in all aspects was a boy, especially in all areas that related to love. In the same breath I look at my own shame at allowing one individual dismantle me so. In that very same breath I thank him. Because he has taught me he was never worth it. All the worth was always in me.
I am no longer scared to love but instead I’m opening my arms to truly be seen. To be supported by a man. I say man in the truest form I understand. I, of course mean the energetics of the masculine as the universe sees fit. Physical man or woman is only a constraint of the mundane. The deeper truth is love is love. I am the divine feminine, bold, beautiful, wild and free.
I am a writer full of passion, joy, deep insights and even deeper inner truths that want to be painted into letters flowing to words. Like the running river who’s source of power comes from the skies above. As rain falls, so have the tears down my face. If I begin to forget, I return to the one thing that ever truly makes sense in this life, and that is that, I am nature. The more this world pulls us from the trees, streams, flowers, rocks, the more you have to remember. You are as nature. A power, a force to be recon with. Let nature nurture you back to a self of whole. Let it plant, grow, illuminate, die, fall, and begin its cycle over and over again. Let the great writers of ones destiny wake the hush in you that wishes you to remember this simple, and constant truth.
For this existence is your muse.
With all my love,
E