Rushing off the bus all my luggage in tow, there was only an hour before the walk in clinic was about to close in the small BC town I just moved too. Flying for the last 6 days as a Flight attendant, barely slept the night before. Then again, barely been sleeping for the last 6 months really. I stepped through the walk in clinic's doors relieved that I made it. I had two days only to get my plan in order before I would have been at the mercy of being on-call for work for the next month. My heart squeezed with anxiety, I couldn't go back to work not so soon.
I was greeted by the receptionist, who begun the usual in-take questions.
"Do you have an appointment?"
"No I don't" I replied trying my best to be my usual friendly self.
"Have you been here before?"
"No I just moved here" Literally like a month ago, so happy to have moved from the city life. Where 6 years of life, memories, and well a lot of good came with the bad.
"Do you have your health card?" While I handed her my card, I knew I should've printed my doctors note I needed filled out, so I could request short term disability. Which, I'd never in my 8 years of flying have ever taken a leave. Hell at max I took sick day maybe at most once a year, if that! But after talking to two of my friends from work who had done it, they nudged me to do the same. Just a bit of time off that's all I need I thought. I didn't have the chance to get the form printed from being between cities, hotels, buses, flights, and resorts. While she was typing my information in, I meekly asked If I could print a form I needed sighed for work with her printer?
She of course, following procedures said that she couldn't print off any papers for me, which logically I understood. Yet that one defeating moment broke all that was left of my composure. As I began to try to respond with a shaky soft voice, "OK, I'll try to get it printed for next time." I could feel my mask break, tears whelming behind my eyes, my breath becoming shorter. Without moving her gaze from the computer screen the receptionist asked for my address. As I began responding that's when all the tears that I had been holding in on the ferry and bus ride over began spilling freely. Bless the receptionist who soften automatically noticed me struggling to talk, passed the tissue box over.
After a struggle to give my address through soft sobs and intakes of breath, she asked the final question: "Reason for visit?" I couldn't speak anymore, so she found my words for me as I could but only numbly nod. "Stress leave."
I was thankfully taken to an empty patient room where I didn't have to be sitting with all the other patients. I then ended up crying for an hour and a half straight before the doctor even saw me. I finally came to the conscious acknowledged that I needed help. My first step which is always the hardest, was seeking the help I needed. I couldn't keep going the way I was without the outcome becoming tragic.
Why is it that we take our mental health for granted so often? That we usually have to hit rock bottom, or in my case a few rock bottoms before admitting we need to start looking for help? Why do we push ourselves harder or just keep going without the rest and time off that we need? Why do we think that after an end of a relationship, a traumatic event big or small, or move that we can just go right back to a regular routine?
I'm here through my own shit and still ongoing shit, to tell you sometimes you just can't. And its time to take the hint from your loved ones that its time to take time off.
Your mental health is so so so important. No matter what life is/has thrown at you, what responsibilities, expectations, and stresses its not worth your health. Take the time off. If you like me is dealing with:
- Depression/anxiety
- Unstable emotions
- Present or post trauma
- Exhaustion, or a difficulty sleeping or staying asleep
- Thoughts that life would be better without you/hopelessness
- Substance, or alcohol abuse - Isolation
- Or unstable/unhealthy eating habits (overeating/under eating)
If you're dealing with one or more of these even, it's a clear tell sign that its time to step back and start taking care of your health.
I'm currently one month in from the day I walked in to the clinic so I could start looking after myself. I've been to counseling, acupuncture and back to a healthy routine (yoga, meditation, exercise, journaling and leaning on friends and family.). I still have my low days when I cry till my eyes are as puffy as squash balls, where I don't want to get out of the comfort of my bed. Binge watch Netflix and scrolling heavily through social media to numb my pain. But one day at a time they are becoming far and few between. I'm finally having more days that are brighter than dark ones, but only because I've taken the time off of work and everything else and have been focusing all that energy on myself.
Healing isn't something that happens overnight, especially if you let it build up like I did. But you can heal over time, one day at a time, one doctors appointment, one counseling session, one yoga practice, one healthy meal, one friendly conversation at a time. If you are going through anything please make sure to take the steps to bettering your mental health what ever that means, it truly takes one step. Which is to accept that sometimes we all need a little help.
With Love,
Emma